Three Wrong Ways To Respond To Suffering

Job’s comforters are busy these days. I’m sure you’ve seen them. Somewhere in your Facebook feed, on the “interwebs” or on TV, they are working overtime, delivering, with a smile, their consolation laced with condemnation to those in the midst of tragedy.

The story of Job tells us of a man who suffered unimaginable pain and loss. He went from great wealth to the depths of sickness, poverty and despair. Through all this, his three ‘friends’ insisted that his misfortunes were God’s punishment for his sins, something he had done wrong. But Job persisted in his belief that misfortune comes to both the godly and the wicked. He was convinced of the goodness, mystery and wonder of God, even in the midst of his pain.

The dictionary describes a Job’s comforter as someone whounwittingly or maliciously depresses or discourages someone while attempting to be consoling.”

You know, that person who seems to be saying the right thing, the spiritual thing, even the true thing, all while making you, or those they’re meant to comfort, feel worse.

Job Rebuked by His Friends – William Blake (1757–1827)


Instead of mending wounds, Job’s comforters poke their fingers deep into those wounds, inflicting pain instead of bringing healing.

We must NOT use times of tragedy to make a theological point.

We should never use someone else’s pain as a battering ram for our beliefs.

  • While it is certainly a fact that a house can be rebuilt, it is too soon to utter those words to someone standing in the rubble.
  • It is true that the sun will rise tomorrow, but for the one caught in a desperate midnight of the soul, that fact brings little comfort.
  • Perhaps time does heal all wounds, but spouting slogans to someone in pain, only serves to delay the healing.
  • Maybe those parents, grieving the loss of a child do have other children remaining but offering such trite comfort only reinforces the fact that we have grossly miscalculated the depth of their loss.
  • God can and does heal, but for the person trapped in a broken body or consumed with chronic pain, these words may sound more cruel than hopeful.

So how should we respond?

Number 1 – don’t ignore the suffering of others. When we are suffering and the world spins around us with no acknowledgment of our pain, the loneliness is soul-crushing. Let the suffering know they are seen.

Number 2 – don’t glorify pain. Yes, God can use our pain for a greater purpose – in our lives and the lives of others. But remember how Jesus responded when he heard his friend Lazarus had died? He simply wept. We should do the same when faced with pain, grief and loss.

Number 3 – don’t weaponize someone’s grief against them. For the love of God, don’t imagine you know whether or not they should be grieving, whether or not their level of grief is appropriate, whether or not they have unconfessed sin in their life. Unless you’re God, or their therapist, it’s not your place to figure that out.

Let’s save our theological debates for the classroom, the discussion group, the one-on-one conversations. They are not welcome, helpful or kind during a time of tragedy.

So, what can we do in response to suffering? It’s so simple, it’s almost ridiculous.


Weep with those who weep.

Lament with those who lament.

Scream with those who must scream.

Walk with those who are restless.

Eat with those who need food.

Pray with those who desire comfort.

Touch those who need to connect.


Be still with those who are silent.

Offer the simple, powerful gift of your presence and God’s presence in you, to bring healing and hope to a broken and wounded world.



Hey, I would love to have you join my private Facebook group “Pain-A Conversation.” Beginning September 25, 2017, I will be sharing a daily video conversation on the subject of pain, with my good friend Sanejo Leonard. We would love to have you join the conversation. Click here to join.

Thank you to Kelly M. Kapic for his insightful and compassionate book “Embodied Hope: A Theological Meditation on Pain and Suffering

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  1. I love your posts… you really get it. I’ve had a lot of loss – physical, spiritual, and years of other abuse. I don’t want to go to church because my ideas are too radical. I’m sick about our country and feel anger towards the group of people who dismiss other peoples needs and rights. I grieve the damage from our forest fires, I grieve my brother, and I grieve my way of life (pain has taken over). Other than that I’m just fine. lol

    Thanks for being real. It’s so refreshing!

    1. Oh Margaret! Thank you for your raw honesty. I am so sorry for all the pain and grief you have suffered and all that they have robbed from you. I am praying for you today, that you would know a small measure of relief and peace today and that you would rest in the arms of the one who is Peace.

  2. i struggle with my weight and have Lyphadema in my legs and have had it all my life. So, I was telling my sister the other day I signed up on a program to lose weight cause I no longer can get up or down on the floor with my grand kids and that’s a goal of mine. So my sister being 10 yrs older and no skinny chicken, I asked if she had problems too. Her response to me was no because I won’t allow myself to get in that condition. I felt so hurt by that commit that I still deal with the thought that I was not comforted and actually belittled by my own Sister. I have had to tell myself to never ever be like that to someone and know only God can comfort me.

    1. Robin, I’m sorry you were belittled and that you are struggling so much physically. I am rooting you on in your goal to play on the floor with your grandkids! That is the best motivator ever! Sending you much love.

  3. Karen, I just found your BLOG and loved reading what you have to say. You are a gifted writer and I deeply appreciate the way you express yourself. I’m not sure if you remember me. I used to work in the Deaf Ministry with Pastor Bill Gipple’s at OCWC. I struggle with chronic pain so I really identify with a lot of what you say. Bless you. Look forward to reading more.

    1. Hi Sue! Yes, of course I remember you. You were such a blessing to our family during our time at OCWC. I’m so sorry to hear of your struggles with chronic pain. It can be such a lonely journey. Thank you for your kind words. It means so much to me. I would love to connect further with you and catch up over a cup of coffee. Take care, my friend.

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